A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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