THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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