I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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