He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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