so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
