she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
