Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
