Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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