Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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