life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
my poor anus
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
