You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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