Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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