Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
