Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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