when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
