My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
