Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
