when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
