I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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