I think I died a long time ago.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the gays at disneyland are vicious
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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