My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
