Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
