I'm eating all of the evidence.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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