the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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