for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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