Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
why is half of my head shaved?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
