He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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