just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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