We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
