I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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