the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
