Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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