insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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