I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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