You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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