I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
