I have demons in me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
