He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
