Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
