i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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