There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
