Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
