I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
