Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
