My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
