there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We had to coat check the pizza.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
