This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
