as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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