I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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