I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
