Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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