Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
